No. Really. It’s honestly kind of amazing that I’ve made it this far without losing a limb or being banished to some lonely island in the middle of nowhere to live the rest of my days with only a volleyball for a friend.
I’m quirky. I’ll admit it. I’m also pretty high strung (the toaster usually startles me.) And I’m one of those people who get really excited over mundane things. Things like diners that serve pie at 2AM after a long night of drinking, finding five dollars in a pair of jeans that I just washed or a new and unique flavor of Pop Tarts (you’ll see a food trend starting here…) So excited that dancing, improvised singing, and shaking of any innocent bystanders usually happens.
This is all well and good. “It’s the simple things in life that truly make you happy” and all that crap but herein lies my problem: this exact enthusiasm with which I live my life is the thing that more often than not leads to me in a less than pleasant, often terrifying (or unsanitary) yet apparently hilarious situation.
Sure, if you’re still reading this you’re probably thinking, “Who cares lady? I could be watching TV right now.”
To which I respond to you:
I AM BETTER THAN TV. I AM REAL! MY LIFE SHOULD BE A SITCOM. YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THE KIND OF STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO ME. (unless you’re Judd Apatow maybe…he’s pretty close.) I AM A MAGNET FOR WEIRD PEOPLE AND ANIMALS. THE COSMOS ARE NEVER COMPLETELY ALIGNED FOR THIS LADYFACEDPERSON.
Okay, maybe that was a little intense, but listen Mr./Miss/Ms/Dinosaur Snarky Pants III, have YOU ever woken up in someone else’s jammie jams in a room you didn’t recognize? Have YOU ever inadvertently ruined the filming of a movie staring one of your favorite actors?? Have YOU ever traumatized a child at a major theme park visited by millions of people each year in Central Florida??? Have YOU ever attacked the person sitting next to you on an airplane during a bout of turbulence or gotten into an unmarked vehicle with a stranger who found you in baggage claim???? Made pancakes during a hurricane? Rendered yourself unconscious with ordinary kitchen seasonings? THESE ARE THE KINDS OF THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME ALL THE TIME.
And that is why I have provided you with this pretty little blog where I will post such stories for your entertainment. I promise you’ll like them. You can probably see now what I’m talking about with the over-excitedness and yellings and general embarrassment of myself. I’ll even provide illustrations and pictures for some of them. I’m just that giving.
– B
I Should Probably Be Dead 